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Josh Aderholt
Weight Guessing
"Lars to the Stars"
Prizes Won: 271 inflatable crayons, 16 faux mink stoles, 3 "Employee of the Month"
awards from King's Dominion.
FUN FACT: Josh began his meteoric rise to the top by properly guessing Oprah's
weight in 1992.
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Elizabeth Bow-vée
IRON-Y-ING
"Salsa Britches"
Favorite Speed: Permanent Press
Volume of Steam Expelled: 3.14
Blows to Chil'un: 3 cold, 4 hot
"I'se never scorched ('cept that one time but you know ray-on don't count)."
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Sheean Al-Cameroon
Knife Throwing
"Buddy"
ERA:2.25
Scowl Rating:8.3
Knife Gauge:.09
Damage Control:5*
Downstroke:Yes
*season low
In 1996, Buddy lowered his already outstanding ERA of 5.20 to 2.25.
"It feels good to throw knife. Especially since the divorce went through."
Traded in expansion draft to the Mexican League.
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Allyson
"Trigger Itch"
Cohen
Pistolry Expert
Victims: 23*
Titles: NRA Champ, 1991-present. David Koresh Concealed Weapons Award, 1993.
Personal Tidbit: Allyson enjoys cheerleading, people, and (before JFK rose to power) the U.S. of A.!
*personal best
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Duane Gibson
BILLIARDS
"The Cripple"
Balls: 15
Sticks: 1
Balls per pocket: 2.5
Sex appeal: Immeasurably High
Shoe size: 13.5
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Scott Herman
Ballistic Snow Assassin
aka "The Icy Grip O' Death"
STATS:
37 Car Windshields
25 Old Ladies
12 U-Guides
7 Confirmed Kills
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Sean
"The Svelte Celt"
Koenig
Gladiatorial Tennis
Nickname: Taco Grande
Opponents slain: 1 (sort of)
Opponents dismembered: 0
Lions* dismembered: 2
Points at the net: a few
*of the small domestic variety
Sean is neither feared nor ferocious in the pit, but is routinely described as
graceful, sensitive, and "sexy in chain mail."
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Brett Lider
Extreme Pretentious Smoking
HALL OF FAME
sponsored by Kool
Cartons/Day: More than you
Benign Polyps: 1 ("Fred")
Stairs 'til Winded: 5
Shade of Teeth: 255
Morning Phlegm Rating: Creosote
Turn-offs: Espresso Corner (not hardcore enough),
Smoking Posers (pack/day or less)
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Jerry Lewis
"Special Series"
Where every athlete... is a champion.
Jerry
"Jerry Bear"
Meyerle
Although Jerry just recently learned how to play, he's already a champion
in two sports. He earns the Special Series "A" for effort!
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Jill
"Gymbalaya"
Nuttree
BALANCE BEAM
Jill is returning to the sport after a two-year absence at the Betty Ford
Clinic. Surprisingly, competitors openly wonder if her sobriety hasn't finished
her career. "I think I am a contender," she responds. Her ability to balance on
two beams at once has won her national acclaim.
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Joanna
"Refrigerator"
Peery
WEIGHT TRAINING
Weight: 328 lbs!
Density: 10.2
Lead implants*: 17
Training Tip: "Mass Builder will allow you gain rapidly without any of the
fatigue associated with exercise."
*now legal in 37 states
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Todd Pontius
RUDE CROQUET
"The Soul Ripple"
If you stare into the wicket, it stares back at you.
Highest Score: Who f*cking cares?
Favorite Drink: Midnight Dragon Malt Liquor
M/G average (Macanudos/Game): 4*
*record high
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the all-stars of
PAIN TRAINING
Jim Steichen
"Chickadee"
Born and raised in the dirt poor town of East Muskogee, KY, Chickadee currently holds
the league record for grimaces/lift. "I owe it all to my hometown," Chickadee beams. "No place
knows pain like Kentucky."
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Brett
"Rip Van Winkle"
Widness
"I'm having an enema right now!"
Winks: 40
Zzz: zzzzzzzzzz
Snoring: .333
Talking: .250
Caffeine tolerance: 95%
Widness slept through .400 of Women's Fiction despite kicks from girlfriend,
fell asleep during Monticello Garden Tour, and claims, though unsubstantiated,
"Never had an enema I couldn't sleep through!"
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Kate Zimmerman
Table Tennis
"The Disemboweler"
Current rank: 5' 0"
Ambition: 5' 2"
Paddle: NordicRack 2000 Accessory Paddle
"Not many people realize the difficulties of mastering table tennis--
the fatigue, carpal tunnel syndrome, the blisters."
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