thursday 20

"It's a landscape."
"Come again?"
"A LANDSCAPE."
"Eh?"
Betty G. Miller lectures on "Deaf View Image Art." 7 p.m. McLeod Auditorium.

This is not your Father's Oldsmobile. Poet Sharon Olds reads from her book The Wellspring, 3 p.m. in the U.Va. Bookstore, as part of the Va. Festival of the Book. Don't worry, it's a new generation of Olds.

In town tonight: at Trax, Eddie from Ohio; At Miller's, the John D'earth Group; at Macado's, Naked Puritans; at the Outback Lodge, One Drop and Frog Legs.

friday 21

There you are mowing the lawn on a balmy spring morning when you suddenly feel a stinging bite on your arm. In the subsequent tsetse-induced hallucination you imagine yourself as an ex-reform schoolie taking revenge on your childhood tormentors. Sleepers at Cinematheque. 6, 9, and midnight.

"... and so the rabbi says to the cashier, 'I'll show you my Cavalier Advantage.'" The Comedian Spotlight Series. 8 p.m. at Pavilion XI. It's a U-Union event, so put on your fun shoes!

In town tonight: at Almost Paradise, Soul Kitchen; at Trax, Gibb Droll Band with Gran Torino; at Tokyo Rose, Mark Robinson, The Softies, and True Love Always; at the Outback Lodge, The Yams From Outer Space; at Tiny Mac, Brennan Snead; at Mudhouse, Keith Knight.

saturday 22

Kevin shows his bacon number to juvenile weenie-heisters, but who will get who in the end? Sleepers at Cinematheque, same Bat time.

The Lee Mallete Memorial Lacrosse tournament is a great place to celebrate other cool stuff we took from Native Americans: corn, peyote, snazzy blankets, and the island of Manhattan. Mad Bowl, all day. Bring wampum and fire-water.

Hong Kong today: millions of Chinese work in harmony under positive capitalist programs run by entrepreneurs like Kathie Lee Gifford. Hong Kong tomorrow: slave labor rules as people toil under the oppressive hand of Communism. "Hong Kong 1997: Hong Kong Today and Tomorrow." Wilson Hall Auditorium, sponsored by Ronald Reagan. Room 402. Saturday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

In town tonight: at Trax, Grind. Dog Psychology, and Ataxia; at Miller's, Mississippi Tom and the Mudcats; at the Outback Lodge, Funkomatic; at Tokyo Rose, Claire Quilty and Spackle.

sunday 23

... Well officer I was just minding my business chewing some dead skin off my thumb while waiting at the bus stop and all of a sudden these guys wearing pachuco zoot suits jump out of this crazy car and start waving guns and yelling about me biting my thumb at them ... Romeo and Juliet at Cinematheque 6 and 9:30 p.m.

Today, mass in the chapel, 5:15 p.m. Later that night, torque in Bonnycastle, TBA. See, there's this girl on the third floor ...

In town tonight: Plague and Pestilence (ladies night).

monday 24

graphic by Scott Herman

Howdja like to be a little microorganism? Eat shit and die. Eat shit and die. Eat shit and die. John Todd, developer of Solar Aquatics, a microbiological sewage treatment system, will speak as part of the "Environmental Choices" lecture series. 1 p.m., Old Cabell Hall.

In town tonight: at Michael's Bistro, Plutonium; at Miller's, Tim Reynolds.

tuesday 25

Dr. Glenn Gaesser, author of the book about health and weight, Big Fat Lies, speaks on the "10 Biggest Exercise Myths" at the Atlantic Coast Athletic Club at 7 p.m. Dr. Gaesser is the founder and primary supporter of the revolutionary new all-flatulence diet, hailed as uniting the Greek system with its popularity among fraternities and sororities alike.

In town tonight: at Michael's Bistro, Aaron Binder Eight; at Miller's, Faster Than Walking; at the Outback Lodge, Juice Box and Clark Nova; at Trax, Agents of Good Roots.

wednesday 26

In the third world, 26 percent of the population is known to be infested with Italo Scanga (the Italian shortworm). This fierce little guy can suck as much as two pints of marinara a day! He'll also be giving tours of the Bayly's permanent collection, beginning at 7:00 p.m.

Alpha Tau Omega sponsors an Easter Egg Hunt, noon on the Lawn. Easter Egg Jiggler Shots to follow.

Paging Dr. Trueheart Bear, paging Dr. Trueheart ... Author Lucy Candib, M.D., will speak on Redefining Patient/Doctor Relationship From a Care (Bear) Perspective. 1 to 2 p.m., Jordan Hall.

In town tonight: no one.