thursday 27

Do you suffer from sexual anxiety? When the time comes, do you freeze up or hesitate? Sounds like you need a strategy that Michael Graves, the 1997 T.J. Professor of the Year, can offer in his speech, "The Best Laid Plans." 6 p.m. in Campbell 153. Good things come to those who plan ahead.

Driving along, minding your own beeswax and WHAM, KAPOW, BANG-- blood drips off your rearview mirror. Red Cross Blood Drive sponsored by Alpha Phi Omega, 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. in Peabody 105.

This evening in the Minor Hall auditorium at 7:30 p.m., The Students for Individual Liberty will be hosting a lecture by Michael Tanner, Director of Health and Welfare Studies at the Cato Institute in Washington D.C. The lecture is entitled "Social Security: What is to be done?" Well, for starters, you can stop taking it out of my paycheck, you red bastard.

Heather McHugh - poet, translator, and essayist - will be reading her poetry at 8 p.m. in Campbell Hall room 153. My father was a drunk, a philanderer, and a thief, but no one's breakin' down the door to hear what's comin' outta his mouth.

In town tonight: at Trax, Jackopierce with the Pat McGee Band; At Miller's, the John D'earth Group; at Macado's, Naked Puritans; at the Outback Lodge, Ian Gilliam.

friday 28

There will be a Good Friday service at the Chapel from 12:15 to 12:45. I'll tell you what a good Friday is - when the freakin' narcs get off my ass.

In town tonight: at Trax, Cravin' Melon and June Rich; at Tokyo Rose, Science Kit, Bedlam Sounds, and Big Heifer; at Miller's, Billy and the Backbeats; at Prism Coffee House, Ralph Stanley and the Clinch Mountain Boys.

saturday 29

Dear Calendar reader:
We accept the fact that we have to sacrifice loads of our free time to put out this magazine every week, but you're crazy if you think we're going to spend tons of time thinking up amusing entries just for your enjoyment. The Breakfast Club. Cinematheque. Midnight.

I sired out that bitch to every fire station in the county, but she was in less heat than a tractor in January. Then I slipped some gonadotropins in her Purina, and woo-wee! 101 Dalmations, Cinematheque, 7 p.m. and 9:30 p.m.

In town tonight: at Trax, Bio Ritmo; at Miller's, George Turner Quartet; at the Outback Lodge, Headstone Circus; at Tokyo Rose, Idle and Bombpop; at Macado's, Plutonium.

sunday 30

All you Catholics just aren't trying hard enough! You need to get out there and pray, pray, pray. C'mon, it's the last quarter and the devil's winning. Jeez Louise, what a critical mass ... Mass in the Amphitheater at 6 a.m., sponsored by the Catholic Student Association.

All right, John, whaddya got? Well, sir, we thought of a few. How do you like The French Rude? The Spanish Obsequious? The Italian Loquacious? Sir ... are you there? The English Patient, Cinematheque, at 5 p.m. and 11 p.m.

In town tonight: nada.

monday 31

A lecture by Professor David Orr entitled "Environmental Choices" will be held in Old Cabell Hall auditorium at 1 p.m. I've got an environmental choice for ya: stamp out the cigarette, stop hangin' around those hoodlum friends of yours, and for God's sake, get your dick outta the mashed potatoes.

In town tonight: at Michael's Bistro, The Secret; at Macado's, Hook; at Tokyo Rose, Bedhead and Drunk.

tuesday 1

Sue Rainey, guest curator of the Bayly, will speak on "Landscapes by John Douglas Woodward: From Sketch to Public Image." From sketch to public image? Sounds like what happened to my dad after that child molestation charge.

In an effort to further reach out to oppressed groups, the university will be having a lottery to give our gardens to graduating vegetarians. Registration for the Graduation Garden Lottery in the Reservations Office from 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.

The Tuesday Evening Concert Series presents cellist Janos Starker in Old Cabell Hall Auditorium at 8:15 p.m. He'll be bringin' down the funk with pieces from Haydn, Beethoven, Brahms, your mama, Schubert, Bartok, and my crusty asshole. In town tonight: congealed phlegm.

wednesday 2

graphic by Scott Herman

I woke up this morning and discovered I was a gelatinous blob of masticated gummi bears. Do you think I qualify for welfare? Find out at the University Democrats meeting, Cabell 138 at 7:00.

In town tonight: at Trax, Coffeehouse Benefit Concert featuring the Pat McGee Band, the Travis Allison Band, and Last One Standing; at Tokyo Rose, Open Mic Night; at Michael's Bistro, Phatness.