Darden's Last Stand

Alarmed at the unfortunate controversy that has plagued the Darden run-off election and Honor referendum, Poodah forsees a dramatic conclusion to the whole affair. The run-off is merely the Ft. Sumter of an M.B.A. aspirant-led war of secession. What to expect in the coming weeks:

4/8 -- Voting and honor confusion at Darden raises university tensions.
4/9 -- the "3/5 compromise" on E-school and acceptance of A-Schoolers as property by StudCo proves insufficient to placate Darden insurgents.
4/11 -- Darden students grip ankles defiantly in a mass-mooning, crying, "We hold our asses to be self-evident." Their national ranking falls as quickly as their khakis.
4/12--- In a stunning strategic blow, Darden rebels flank Beta Bridge, cutting off vital beer lines to the rest of the university. Crippled Greek system immediately surrenders.
4/15 -- Desperate Law school pursues appeasement policy, offers Copeley to seal Darden- Law school non-aggression pact.
4/16 -- Darden renegs and seizes North Grounds in a blitzkrieg attack by UTS Panzer Division.
4/19 -- A reeling university strikes back, winning their first major battle at Shil-O-hill.
4/20 -- Disaster strikes when the NORML symbolic gesture for peace, the Smoke-in, is held in Dell minefield.
4/21 -- Dysentery decimates Darden Forces; nursing school protects College troops.
4/23 -- U-Union books Pamela Lee for USO strip-tease. Usual lack of advertising draws usual marginal crowd.
4/25 -- University Commander, Darth Thunder, begins construction of secret battle-station, location unknown; Darden troops begin scorched d'earth policy during retreat from Miller's restaurant.
4/26 -- College sends all McIntire students to infamous Hereford internment camps. Naive students believe they are receiving valuable resumé experience.
4/27 --Col. Casteen declares a state of emergency, moves to Acapulco on Capital Campaign slush fund.
4/28 -- Darden desperately drafts Clinch Valley "students" to fill meager ranks; in a panic, they immediately barricade themselves in Darden School.
4/30 -- Rotunda Dome retracts to reveal a fully operational Death Star, despite steam tunnel vulnerability to small, one-man fighter attacks.
5/1 -- Death Star's ion cannon destroys Darden School. All Quiet on the Western Lawn.
5/2 -- Darth Thunder dissolves student government, declares herself Imperial Empress.

Heaven's Gate or Greek Life?

Amid all the media hoopla surrounding the Heaven's Gate cult's decision to venture into the great beyond, Poodah noticed several disturbing similarities between the cult's ideology and certain fraternity rituals.

• initiation involves castration
• group members adhere to strict dress code
• wish to reconnect with the Mothership
• lavish residence is immaculately kept
• obsessed with "Satellite"