thursday 18

Even Jocelyn and Pee-Wee will be on hand for the "Single-Sex Education" discussion with Shamim Sisson, so dig up the greasy glossies of your sister and get a grip on the issue. Minor Hall 130, 6 p.m.

In town tonight: at Dürty Nelly's, Steve and Tim Ryalls; at the Outback Lodge, Ian Gilliam; at Orbit, One Drop; at Tokyo Rose, Soul Junkies.

friday 19

If you think "road rash" is a balls-out crew practice and derailers are kids who flatten pennies on train tracks, attend the Bike Film Festival at 8 p.m. in the City Hall Council Chambers.

We've all heard about the German Forbearing, the French Longanimous and the Russians Long-suffering, but those damn Limeys insist on The English Patient, Cinematheque, 6 and 10 p.m.

In town tonight: at Trax, Modern Yesterday and Live Alien Broadcast; at the Outback Lodge, Awareness Art Ensemble; at Miller's, Hogwaller Ramblers; at Dürty Nelly's, Soul Kitchen; at Fridays After Five, Stoned Wheat Things.

saturday 20

What if the Desert Fox had opened up Rommel McDonald's in lieu of fighting Montgomery in North Africa? Would Bogart have served up soft drinks and made Sam wear a Mac Tonight getup? Would Indy have looked for the Holy Happy Meal instead? And would this poor bastard crash because of a hotter-than-lava java spilling in the cockpit? The English Patient, 6 and 10 p.m. at Cinamatheque.

Come condone college's craziest competition: club-clutching kids casting cloud-colored capsules 'cross crabgrass carpets, contriving courageous course crossings. Keswick Club Cavalier Classic, Sept. 20 and 21.

In town tonight: at Miller's, Larry Keel Experience; at Trax, Southern Culture on the Skids with The Exotics; at the Outback Lodge, Starseed Speed; at Dürty Nelly's, Strike Force; at Tokyo Rose, Charming.

sunday 21

graphic by Tom Serlin

Just in time for Fall Rush: Kellogg's Fratty Flakes! Remarkably identical bleached white corn flakes with your favorite marshmallows: purple kegs, yellow condoms, green guest lists, blue ball caps, and pink nipples. Free Greek alphabet decoder ring in every box! Fraternity Rush Open Forum, Minor 125, 5 to 6 p.m.

In town tonight: at Dürty Nelly's, Thunder.

monday 22

Gordon M. Stewart, Associate Dean of the College, and Joanne Mahanes, Assistant Dean at the Office of Career Planning and Placement, will speak on "Choosing and Using Your Major," followed by the Dean of Buttafuoco's speech "Losing and Abusing Your Minor." The fun runs from 4 to 5 p.m. in Peabody 106.

Don't you hate it when your roomates leave their corkscrew boys all over your bar of Irish Spring? Short Coarse Registration, 8 a.m. to 11 p.m. in the Newcomb ballroom.

In town tonight: at Miller's, Greg Howard; at Michael's Bistro, Darrell Rose.

tuesday 23

On the one hand, you get paid subsistence wages to work your ass off for five years, preparing you for a lifetime of middle class poverty, and on the other, you spend eight years digging yourself into incredible debt such that when you develop a twitch during residency and no longer have a posh, high-paying practice in your future you begin leaping from high places. "Thinking About Graduate and Professional School" is the topic of John Portmann's speech in Peabody 106, 4 to 5 p.m.

Yo mama plants her big black boots on the small of your back and pulls till your bosoms rise like dead fish. "Ma! This whalebone is too small!" Short Corset registration, 8 a.m. to 11 p.m. in the Newcomb Ballroom.

In town tonight: at Trax, Phat Tuesday; at the Outback Lodge, Phatness.

wednesday 24

So when the ancient Greeks wanted to transport the eternal Olympic flame across an impenetrable swamp or gaping ravine, they'd take these birds, grease 'em down, light 'em up and fly the flaming fowl to the other side. Cathy von Storch speaks on "Studying Abroad" at 4 p.m. in Peabody 106.

If the last thing you want to hear is a bunch of E-schoolers with protractors up their serial ports groveling for more money because they dropped their yolkboat around the world and sailed a concrete egg safely off Old Cabell, DO NOT attend the Engineering Career Day, 9 a.m to 5 p.m.

In town tonight: at the Outback Lodge, The Secret; at Trax, Flavor club night.