ISIS Sisters

Always striving for fairness during the flurry of nerves that is fall rush, the Inter-Sorority Council has unveiled a new system to bring about a more objective selection process. Poodah offers a glimpse of what's in store for this year's rushees:

Welcome to ISIS, the Integrated Sorority Information System for sisters and applicants. Please enter your measurements.

You have entered -- 36 24 36. If correct, press one. If wildly exaggerated, press pound.

For directions to Arch's, including a list of flavors and fat-free toppings, press one.
For a balance inquiry on daddy's bank account, press two.
For information on semi-formals, date functions, and mixers, press three.
To check the status of a particular sorority, press four.

Please enter the three digit house code. The house code is the two digit number of sport utitlity vehicles followed by one for alcoholics, two for feminists, and three for teases.

The sorority you have requested -- KAPPA ALPHA THETA -- requires a level four tan. Please enter the three digit house code.

The sorority you have requested -- ALPHA CHI OMEGA -- is reserved for pre-med candidates only. Please enter the three digit house code.

You have requested to join -- DELTA DELTA DELTA. To join this sorority, press one.

The sorority you have requested has been added to your social calendar. Please note that this sorority requires enrollment in a dependent aerobics section. Check the rush handbook.

You have exceeded the time allowed. As if.

Mascots on Parade

Although the good people of Glamour have taken their leave from Albemarle county, several undesirable corporate groundlings have remained. Poodah has obtained a copy of the university police blotter and discovered that these mascots-run-amok have been doing more than just passing out free samples.

• 8:01 a.m., Old Cabell Hall. Keebler Elves discovered surreptiously rehearsing for new a capella group, The Virginia Elves' Chorus.
• 10:12 a.m., Hume Fountain. Pillsbury Dough Boy found inebriated. Several discarded bottles of vanilla extract found in vicinity.
• 1:34 p.m., Dobie Laundry Room. Suspect reported stealing women's underwear; Snuggle Bear apprehended at scene.
• 2:42 p.m., Venable School. Joseph "Joe" Camel apprehended for contributing to the delinquency of minors. "Li'l Smokers' Nicotine Van" impounded.
• 3:57 p.m., Lawn. Jolly Green Giant and accomplice John Doe, alias "Sprout" arrested for possesion with intent to distribute. Suspect tears down Pavilion balcony in fit of rage.
• 7:23 p.m., McLeod Hall. Pom-pon-like creatures arrested for breaking and entering and trespassing. Suspects answer only to the name "HullabaFryGuys."

Sugar Haiku

Name Candy Counter
Gets me gift certificate?
How 'bout malt liquor?