Probie Nights

After the Film Festival closed this year, Poodah found a visionary director with a story to tell. Ever the dabbler in the arts, Poodah soon boarded a plane to L.A. to "take a meeting" with the director and his team of screenwriters.

Writer 1: Here's the concept: there's this kid, he's spent years wasting away in some backwater high school. When he gets to the university, he's hungry ... he knows that there's a place for him out there, a place at the top for him and his one special talent.
Writer 2: Cut to a library, late at night. The kid's in there berating this librarian, extolling the benefits of the Dewey Decimal system over the Library of Congress system when Micah Schwartzman appears, clad in a blazing blazer, and notices him ...
Writer 1: ... this kid's future is so bright, he's gotta wear shades ...
Director: I like that.
Writer 2: Schwartzman sees something in this kid, Jeff Society material, and he wants to harness this one special talent that this kid has...
Director: Wait -- what exactly is this talent?
Writer 1: He's got this amazing cockiness, I'm talking the biggest cockiness that anybody's ever seen ...
Writer 2: When he's up there, doing his thing, you know, ex tempore, he can deliver the longest speech anybody's ever heard -- and then deliver it again ...
Writer 1: This kid can debate on demand.
Director: Is this just another "rags-to-riches" kinda deal?
Writer 1: Chill. He's ascended to the heights of the Jefferson Society, he's on a fast track to the Lawn ...
Writer 2: ... but the center cannot hold ...
Writer 1: ... he's starting to pepper his phrases with all these flowery metaphors and gratuitous Latin phrases ...
Writer 2: ... he's up all night, practicing Robert's Rules of Order in front of a mirror ...
Writer 1: ... he loses his ability to obfuscate -- he breaks down and starts extemping about the McDLT ...
Writer 2: ... does it really keep the hot side hot and the cold side cold?
Director: Kind of a slo-mo, po-mo, Kubrick-rubric.
Writer 1: ... and then the Student Labor Action radicals drag him into the restroom and beat the living --
Director: I get it, his dreams are shattered, he comes to this vivid self-awareness ... does he still reach the Lawn?
Writer 2: He learns that a thirteen-inch ego means never having to say you're sorry -- but where can we find --
Director: I guess we can always use a prosthesis.

Quiz: 4th year 5th, or 4th year 5K?

1. Did officials give you:
a) a pin-on number
b) a serial number?

2. Did you:
a) throw up from running
b) run to throw up?

3. Did police block the street:
a) to guide you
b) to catch you?

4. Did you:
a) wince when you peed
b) wince when you peed?

5. Did spectators hand you:
a) water
b) vodka
c) over to the paramedics?

6. Did you:
a) pass in front of women
b) pass out in front of women?

7. Was your sweat:
a) hot
b) cold
c) smooth sippin'?

8. Did you:
a) haul ass
b) grab ass
c) b followed by a?

9. Did you act as if:
a) you were faster than a speeding bullet
b) you were bulletproof?

Coital Callback

Reasons For the Rubber Recall

• Spermicidal lubricant found to be Vaseline + glitter
• Pope's Hat brand not a big seller
• Industry's new mascot, Shrinky Dinky not popular
• Color used was Yellow #5
• Lambskin found to actually be kangaroo hide