Winter Wonderland

U.Va., formerly the mecca of statewide wintertime entertainment, has suffered a decline in Midwinters attendance. In an effort to revive the revelry of winters past, Poodah presents the following tune:

"Paradise City" to be sung with gusto Take me down to the Paradise City Where the grass is cheap and the girls get shitty -- Oh won't you please get me stoned, yeah, yeah. Take me away from the bars on the Corner, Jump in the truck and turn up the For'ner -- And then I plead, "Take me home!" Yeah, yeah. Just a Hokie stumblin' out in the street, Milking all the beer from the Rugby teat -- I'm your charity case, how 'bout a something to eat? I'll pay you at another time, take it to the end of the line.

Valentine, Schmalentine

In the spirit of the season of love now upon us, Poodah offers suggestions for thwarting even the most persistent of unsavory suitors. These tried and true gifts are certain to douse the flames of the most ardent desire.

crotchless PantyRose gift certificate to Hair Cuttery herpes ARAmark compressed powder heart cookies Chia Heart virtual bouquet a lock of Dean's beard semen-stained dress small, slightly used pizza warming oven "The Men of O-Hill" Holiday Calendar! morning sickness backrub from Old Man Casteen erotic poetry reading by candlelight at Newcomb personally embezzled wad o' cash

Lonely Hearts Club Line

Poodah, left wanting and dissatisfied last Valentine's Day, has embarked on a search for alternate ways to spend the holiday this year. While perusing the pages of the Hook Book, Poodah discovered one of the university's least-known resources -- a phone service surely planned by Jefferson himself.

Welcome to ISIS, the Integrated Student Intercourse System for students -- and applicants. Please enter your nine digit credit card number now. Please enter your four digits now. For pleasant conversation, please press 1. For heavy breathing, please press 2. For brainless boinking, please press 3. For relationship counseling, bestiality, S&M, or resident staff, please press 4. You have requested brainless boinking. Please enter your one digit position number now. For the missionary position, please press 1. For any open orifice, please press 2. For Choose Your Own Adventure, please press 3. The orifice you have requested is closed. Please check the Intercourse Offering Directory. Please enter your one digit position number now. The position you have requested is physically impossible. Please enter your one digit position number now. You are already enrolled in another section of that position. Please enter your one digit position number now. The position you have requested requires the instructor's permission. You have exceeded the number of positions allowed. You are advised to press pound, press pound, press pound, press pound ...