Poodah Picks Flicks

Son of a gun, Salmagundi's upon us -- and the Oscar season too! Poodah was disappointed to see, as always, that the best movies of the year unceremoniously escaped Oscar's lazy eye. Perhaps the Academy was so blinded by box office receipts they overlooked more experimental artistry. Without further ado, Poodah presents the following fine films, and hopes that Salmagundi won't overlook them as well.

I Know What You Deducted Last Summer
Four StudCo representatives (starring Dean Kwon, Dan Soschin, Howard Foard, and Sajeena) travel to the Omni Virginia Beach to celebrate their recent inauguration. However, their weekend takes a sudden turn for the worse when they drunkenly criticize the StudCo treasurer (Bill Hancher). One year later, their offense comes back to haunt them. Rated PG-13 for brief teenage sexual experimentation and strong language. 3,690.42 minutes.

Deconstructing Rorty
A postmodern tale of intellectual fame and rapid demise. An internationally-lauded university professor (played by Richard Rorty) publishes what was to be his life's masterwork only to tragically face the academic community's wrath when it finally realizes that everything he's ever written is bullshit. Rated R for gratuitous philosophical indulgence and blatant homosexual innuendoes between Rorty and Professor Mark Edmundson. 260 minutes.

Seven Points in Tibet
The University of Virginia's men's basketball team travels to the mystical land of Tibet in the hopes of attaining the admiration of students by decisively defeating the Southwest Province League champs. However, the Lhasa team proves too tough a match and U.Va. only scores seven points. Jeff Jones stars as the coach in this heartwrenching sequel to Hoop Dreams. Not rated. 94 minutes.

Contact
Jodie Foster plays a dedicated U.Va. graduate researcher trying to find the cure for HPV (human papilloma virus). While scanning the radio for a decent Charlottesville station, she stumbles upon an extraterrestrial transmission of a procedure for a previously-untested chemical formula. Trying it on herself, she rids her body of the genital warts that had plagued her for years -- but will her colleagues believe her? Rated NC-17 for the unflinching portrayal of Ms. Foster's genitalia. 150 minutes.

Grad School, Here We Come

Poodah visited the latest internship fair and procured all that OCPP has to offer. A word to the wise: these are the most demanding internships out there; only overachieving liberal arts majors are advised to apply.

Liberal Arts Internship Fair Director
This position requires unparalleled optimism, a shiny personality, and the eloquence necessary to speak to all students, no matter what their prospects are.

Espresso Corner Smoking Section Regular
Three master's degrees are demanded by this position, along with a distinguished pretension. Clove smokers preferred; poseurs need not apply.

Jonathan Flatley Groupie
An ambiguous sexual orientation and several t-shirts sporting the names of Chapel Hill indie rock bands are necessary requirements for this position. Only students who have completed the following courses will be considered: Modernism and the Invention of Homosexuality, The Idea of the Avant Garde, and Introduction to Cultural Studies.

TS Assistant Navigator
Expect extensive testing of McDonald's menu and prices if you wish to apply for this internship. Emphatic sketchiness, of course, is required, as is a valid driver's license (but applications will be reviewed on a case-by-case basis).

Hereford Social Chair
If you've had a history of severe acne, this opportunity will be perfect for you. Extensive knowledge of Monty Python's Holy Grail is fundamental to being successful in this role. A past history of independent study courses is recommended.

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Poodah tests your headline-deducing skills with this simple game: choose the real one from the fakes.

• University deprevents Dave Matthews Band from performing
• Officials state Beta shooting unkills no students
• Early registration prenerds Echols scholars
• Students say Rugby scene debars minorities
• English majors more likely to disverb nouns
• Basketball team proven nongood in latest game
• Number of Lawn applicants dedecreases this year