Dry-Humping the Cash Cow

Whilst knee-deep in the dumpsters behind Clemons (pretty Gestapo-ish, eh?), Poodah happened across an interesting scrap of StudCo stationery, apparently fresh from the sticky fingers of the Appropriations Committee. Poodah can only assume that the following organizations face bleak prospects when the shekels trickle down from the third floor of Newcomb.

• The Fourth Reich
  
• Men's Varsity J. Crew Team
  
• Society for Synchronized Jogging
  
• Dan Soschin
  
• Dan "could I interest you in ..." Odio
  
• U.Va. Mouseketeers
  
• The Official Sticky Dave Fan Club
  
• Baby Boomers Anonymous
  
• University Society for Binge Drinkers and Bulimics
  (requested large sum for erection of U.Va. Vomitorium)
  
• The Declaration
  
• The Society for Creative Anachronism
  (funding refused again this year in light of 95's Black Plague fiasco)
  
• Campus Crusade for Crank
  
• Society for Tow Truck Appropriation

Poodah, in an attempt to battle mid-semester depression, decided to gas up the '74 Barracuda, don the leather bombardier cap, and set out for that regal festival that attracts the teeming hordes bent on their own degradation. Here is Poodah's itinerary. Know that mere words will always pale in the face of such universal spiritual truths.

Friday
11 p.m. Charlottesville. The shotgun blast signals the start of the trip. With a handle of Jim Beam and a vial of Crystal Meth, Poodah kicks the 'Cuda into fourth and hauls ass down 81 South.

Saturday
4 a.m. Bristol, on the Tennessee/Virginia state line. Quick stop for Corn Nuts and fortified wine.
5 a.m. Pigeon Forge,TN. Extreme gastrointestinal distension forces Poodah into a Cracker Barrel parking lot in search of facilities. Vomits on wooden clogs of Dollywood performer/waitress. After quick meal of fried okra and grits, the 'Cuda once again purrs like a kitten til' its leg-pipes roar.
5:05 a.m. Poodah pulls over for hitchhiker bearing sign saying: New Orleans and/or Bust ... whichever. Turns out to be Ol' Man Casteen.
5 p.m. Arrive in New Orleans after slight delay due to Casteen's ineptitude as navigator.
6 p.m. Secure lodging from corner midget for merely a shilling.
6:30 p.m. Strip for beads.
6:35 p.m. Strip someone else for beads.
8:00 p.m. Poodah rendezvous with Jerry Springer who produces an eight-ball of coke and a bag of ludes. Springer invites Poodah back to his hotel room and proceeds to make blatant sexual overtures, saying that Poodah is "Too Hot for TV." Poodah hastily exits building.
8:45-12:00 p.m. Lost in shuffle.
12:15 a.m. Poodah returns to aforementioned lodging and is promptly attacked by a ravenous nutria.
12:17 a.m. Midget is beaten sorely at the hands of Poodah.
12:18 a.m. Pass out in gutter.

Sunday
12:00 p.m. Wake up ... vomit ... pass out.
1:00 p.m. Poodah meets troubled Tulane law student and helps her prove conspiracy theory concerning the U.S. Supreme Court.
1:10 p.m. Wake up ... vomit ... pass out.

Monday
3:00 p.m. Poodah attends free showing of Interview with the Vampire dubbed in Hindi. Somehow it's just not the same.
5:00 p.m. Midget is pummelled once more for good measure.
5:50 p.m. Beer.

Tuesday
2:00 p.m. Poodah realizes that Casteen has jacked the car and headed out for the Mustang Ranch near Vegas.
2:30 p.m. Poodah ships self to Peabody C.O.D. via UPS. Arrives just in time for production.