thursday 26

Yo momma so fat she got zoned for commercial development. Yo momma so short when she sit on the curb her legs dangle. Yo momma got such hairy armpits it look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock. "Don't Speak My Mother's Name in Vain," Chapel, 8 p.m.

Help extend the boundaries of humor at the expense of the Poles! Ha Ha Poland! Model U.N., Commonwealth Room, 8 p.m.

In town tonight: at Jewish Mother, Carbon Leaf; at Miller's, John D'earth Group; at Dürty Nelly's, Skip Haga; at Dogwood Restaurant, Jimmy Downing.

friday 27

What's the matter, Snookums? Is the void staring back into you again? Three English graduate students on 19th century poetry, Newcomb Hall Conference Room 481, 12:30 p.m.

England: We did receive a nasty letter from the ...
US: NUKE 'EM!!!
France: But eet eez only one letter.
US: Fuck off, you continental PANSY!
France: Oh, ah am zo sad.
Model U.N. fucks it up just like the Big Boys, Newcomb Hall, everywhere.

The Fourth-Year Class Task Force for Population Reduction presents the tale of six losers who, just like you, can't manage to get their shit together after graduation. Admission includes a .38 revolver and single round.

Amphitheater, 7 p.m. Doom! Dread! WCW at U-Hall! Death, Despair, Boogie Nights at Cinematheque, 6 and 9 p.m. Say Anything at Midnight. Sin, Darth Vader ... uh ... BAD ... BLOODY ... HELL!

In town tonight: at Outback Lodge, Mandey Huge and Leon Millmore; at Jewish Mother, Manute Soul; at Tokyo Rose, Drunk; at Monterey's, Jagged Edge; at Dürty Nelly's, He Said.

graphic by Andrew Elligers

saturday 28

Playboy is coming to U.Va.! Auditions at Newcomb Hall Theater, 6 and 9 p.m.! Playing simultaneously -- Boogie Nights. Coincidence, or just a bad joke? You decide!

Is your college threatened by annoying bureaucratic, air polluting, NRA-loving, tobacco-lobbying shitheads? Save the College Fair 12 to 5 p.m. in the Amphitheater.

In town tonight: at Trax, Eddie From Ohio and Nickeltown; at Jewish Mother, Bluebeat Revue; at Main St. Guitar and Drum, Dana Robinson and Lui Collins; at Miller's, Hogwaller Ramblers; at Outback Lodge, The Ninth.

sunday 29

Nothing brings spring to mind like lawn tables. And there isn't anything that connotes tables like the Virginia Belles. And yet nothing can indicate 'belles' better than selling tickets. Above all, absolutely nothing speaks of tickets like a spring concert. Virginia Belles Spring Concert, tickets available on the Lawn, 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.

There once was a young man named Tom
Who incessantly exclaimed, "da Bomb!"
He was told that it stank
Passé and not dank
He returned to an old school "Your Mom!"
Tom Chambers Exhibit, Art Gallery, 9 a.m.

In town tonight: at Jewish Mother, Rusty Speidel; at Michael's Bistro, Gretchen Casler.

monday 30

If ya wanna be Greek, ya gotta know yer declensions. Also, knowing the quickest way to make a pledge drop his pants won't hurt. History Professor D. Allen Williams speaks on his "Interaction with the Greek Society." Newcomb Theater, 6 p.m. Sponsored by ISC.

"I always thought the Power Rangers had better pitch, although my music teacher swears by Voltron and Batman."
"I don't know, dude. I say, if you want quality sound go with your Smurfs, and maaaybe use one of them Knight Riders."
"Can't forget about the Muppets, though."
Lunchbox Recital, Newcomb Hall Main Lounge, 12 p.m.

In town tonight: at Miller's, Greg Howard; at Michael's Bistro, Phatness; at Trax, Sister Hazel with Alana Davis.

tuesday 31

Don't fret, Salmagundi rejects, there's hope: a basic video production class begins today and continues for five weeks. Public Access Studio, 324 W. Main St., 977-5905.

Beyond "Beyond 2000": David Kay, director of the Center for Counter-Terrorism Technology, speaks on "Iraq and Beyond: Responding to the Proliferation of Weapons of Mass Destruction." Miller Center, 11 a.m.

In town tonight: at Jewish Mother, Humble Sacrifice; at Michael's Bistro, Brian Griffin Trio; at Miller's, Faster Than Walking.

wednesday 1

Here we see that the armadillo is indeed vulnerable. You can't really tell, but trust me, that one is indeed a skunk. Oooooh! And here we see an amphibious critter, out of his element for the last time. The Students for Environmental Action present Cove Mallard, "Big Wild Road (kill) Show," Peabody 106, 6:30 p.m.

Dave Matthews Band. Scott Stadium, 5 p.m. free admission. Rain venue U-Hall.

In town tonight: at Coupe de Ville's, Benny Dodd; at Buddhist Biker Bar & Grill, B.C.; at Trax, Fishbone.