Eric McMillan     Schmuck of the Irish After witnessing what can only be described as years of disappointing St. Patrick's Day festivities, with this year's being no exception, I have taken the advice of famous fellow Irishman James Joyce and made a commitment to "forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race." After all, March 17th is the one day of the year that is distinctly Irish and it is only meet, right, and our bounden duty to celebrate the fortitude and genius of these proud people. They came to this country to escape everything that was wrong with the Old World -- the British, religious persecution, an oppressive class system, starvation, and racism (being a "bloody mick" one of the "black of Europe, was no picnic -- and still isn't for those in Ireland). Even in those with only the smallest drop of Irish blood, there is a yearning for the homeland still lingering -- like feeling the poetry of Yeats budding in the green grass of a misty morning (or something like that). So, here are a few suggestions for a better, more authentic St. Paddy's day next year: First, traditional beverage choice. As much as it may pain you to face cold reality, green beer just isn't Irish. Think about it ... you're placing green dye in a domestic and usually cheap German-style pilsner with names ranging anywhere from Meister Brau to Budweiser. It's just not kosher. Many feel that they escape this pitfall by buying a fake "microbrew" like Killian's Irish Red. Even though it's brewed "in the tradition of George Killian, Lett Enniscorthy, Ireland" as the label so proudly proclaims, this product is brewed and bottled by Coors -- watered down Ireland, Colorado style. There is only one true pint to be pulled on St. Paddy's day -- Guinness, that thick, rich, motor-oil-like nectar of the Celtic gods which drinks like a meal. Not for the weak of heart or full of stomach, but that's the way it was meant to be (just look at the date of St. James Gate Brewery's founding, smack dab in the middle of the potato famine. Coincidence? I think not). The perfect pint is served at room temperature (but chilled is also acceptable) and is best stateside on tap or from the draught can (don't go for the bottles, they just don't cut it). The foam is a little bitter, so to enhance the experience, let it settle after pouring so that there is only a quarter inch of foam on top. Harp's Ale is also acceptable. If you are feeling truly in touch with your Irish side, there is only one acceptable poison: Irish whiskey. Put away your Tennessee sippin' whiskey or your Kentucky bourbon and for the love of God don't be so blasphemous as to think about mixing it with anything. I recommend Jameson as a quality Irish whiskey with a smooth finish and crisp flavor. Only a couple of shots and that little leprechaun you've been seeing all night will actually want to share his pot of gold with you. N.B. Please do not provoke the drunken Irish. We are a bitter people with hundreds of years of bitterness stored up inside of us from the Troubles and identity crises galore. We don't need your shit too. There really are no acceptable finger foods to serve. The Irish concept behind the culinary arts involves boiling the hell out of otherwise simple foods. It's probably a bad idea to serve your guests a plate full of haggis-like sausages because even the most ardent carnivores are skittish at the sight of these bloody hors d'oeuvres. If you are trying to make a romantic dinner for two, try the boiled cabbage, potatoes, and corned beef. Ah the flavor explosion ... magnifique! It's not elaborate or exotic, but gosh darn it, it will stick with you. After being slapped in the face numerous times it has come to my attention that people just aren't all that familiar with Irish flirting patterns and mating customs. Many hearty apologies, but that's just how it gets done in Ireland; no need to get offended. After all, pinching is equal opportunity for men and women on St. Patrick's day, and if that certain (completely anonymous) someone you lust after (even if only for a few seconds) fails to don the requisite green ... well, he or she is fair game. For the more sentimental, a good St. Patty's day date would include watching a good Irish flick (I recommend The Quiet Man) and a little slow dancing to Van Morrison. I do not recommend anything involving a certain so-called "Lord of the Dance" who just gives my people a bad name. If I may take certain liberties with Irish limericks I might say, "may the earth open up and swallow his pathetic oiled chest for the evil wee banshee that he is."

back to Decweb main