thursday 2

What if Mankind's last hope made a bargain with the devil? In a secret laboratory deep beneath the polar ice caps, Dr. Lichtenstein perfects his evil design. "With this vial, I hold power beyond all comprehension!" Meanwhile, across ten time zones and infinite layers of humanity, Timothy McRichards perks up his ears. "Big storm a comin'." Best tell Zeb to fire up ol' Red and grease down the lunkers." And the world holds her breath and waits. Dynamical Astronomy Conference, South Meeting Room, Newcomb, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

So I sez to Ethel, I sez, "Look here, I'm tired of everyday with the guys and the dolls and the guys and then again with the dolls. Whaddya think I yam, a first-year player?" Guys and Dolls, Student Activities Building, 8 p.m.

At Cinematheque, Roman Holiday. After the film: orgies all around! followed by a trip to the vomitorium and the re-instatement of Nero's necromantic foreign policy. 7 and 9:30 p.m.

In town tonight: at Dürty Nelly's, Dreamin' Gleamin'; at Jewish Mother, The Remnants; at Miller's, John D'earth; at Outback Lodge, Mississippi Tom and the Mudcats; at Trax, Gibb Droll Band and Blue Miracle.

friday 27

Think about the Koran. Stare beyond the lofty shoulder of Cocke Hall. Now pray, baby, pray. General Prayer Service sponsored by Muslim Student Association. Amphitheater, 1 p.m.

What do the New Dominions, Virginia Belles, and Virginia Women's Chorus have in common? They all have concerts at 8 p.m. (Maury Hall, University Baptist Church, Newcomb Hall Ballroom, respectively).

You know, that damn moon has been on the wane lately. Let's round up the posse and rope 'em on in ... Benefit dance for Take Back the Night (the first half of it anyway). 8 p.m. to midnight at the Thomas Jefferson Memorial Church, $3 single, $5 couple.

In town tonight: at Dürty Nelly's, Fulton and the Fulltones; at Jewish Mother, Terri Allard Trio; at Miller's, Charlie Pastorfield; at Tokyo Rose, YJ Disco Ball; at Trax, Fighting Gravity and Elephant Boy; at 606 Rivanna, WIGGLE (down Preston to Bodo's, left on Harris, left on Rivanna).

graphic by Tom Serlin

saturday 4

Hey U.Va. males. When you were in second grade did you have a Cabbage Patch Kid? Have you kept this secret holed up deep inside you for oh so many years? Well, now is your chance to let the world know about your childhood plaything. Guys and Dolls, First Year Players, SAB, 8 p.m.

Lost your copies of Riding Miss Daisy and Good Will Humping? Well fear not for all of your masturbatory urges will be quelled. Showgirls, midnight, Cinematheque.

In town tonight: at Jewish Mother, Rockwell Church; at Miller's, Jump Street; at Outback Lodge, TR3; at Tokyo Rose, Charming, Gumption, and Pacer; at Trax, Everything with Mudcat Jones.

sunday 5

"Hey, Lee, what the hell you doin wearin' that chain mail?"
"Yeah, them pointy shoes is funny, ain't you gonna sing that 'Proud ta be Amerikin' song?"
"Shit boys, th' cooler don't fit too good between these pews, le's go throw eggs at them hippies playin' frisbee in th' grass."
Greenwood Consort presents early classical and medieval music, 7 p.m. at the Chapel.

In town tonight: at Dürty Nelly's, Kieth Bradley and Pete Fekas; at Jewish Mother, Dexter Glove.

monday 6

Announcement from Newcomb Hall front office: Due to last week's conflict and subsequent violence over the sociology department's Steinway, the music department will use their own piano for this week's Lunchbox Recital. Please note also that all thermos tops must be securely sealed before naptime. Noon, Newcomb Hall Main Lounge. Thank you.

"Wait a minute, it's Housing Day on the Lawn, but it's in the Cavalier Room!" "I hope the irony's not lost on you, son." 9 a.m. 'til noon-thirty.

In town tonight: at Baja Bean, Open Mic Night; at Jewish Mother, Karaoke with Rick Haggard; at Miller's, Greg Howard.

tuesday 7

"Whore moans and the sexual Id?" Oh GAWD, Melissa Hines is back isn't she? Look do me a favor and lay off Missy's Beans. Hines' Beans may be good for your heart, but they make you fart. Melissa Hines [she's kind of stinky] from the [odiferious] City University of [smelly ol'] London will speak on [poopy] "Sex Hormones and Sexual Identity" in the Newcomb Hall South Meeting Room at 12:30. Poo-tinky.

In town tonight: at Coup de Ville's, Chris Gelling; at Michael's Bistro, local jazz; at Miller's, Chris Leva; at Outback Lodge, the Ninth; at Trax, Jimmie's Chicken Shack, Underfoot, and Coloring Lesson.

wednesday 8

This is not an STD, this is Salmagundi! And don't forget that, cuz the Film and Media Society kids are the healthiest ever -- not a VD among 'em. The Salmagundi Film Festival, Newcomb Hall Theater, 8 p.m.

In town tonight: at Coupe de Ville's, Bennie Dodd; at Jewish Mother, Humble Sacrifice; at Outback Lodge, The Secret; at Trax, Whiskeytown and Fastball.