Apocalypse Soon

In the wake of recent IFC and administrative announcements, Poodah takes to prophesizing what life will be like in the year 1999 when kegs are banned.

• Mad Bowl converted into botanical gardens
• Bayly overcrowding destroys priceless objets d'art
• Ugly people no longer have sex
• Roofie prices drop due to surplus
• TGIF becomes GDIF
• J.W. Sieg and littlejohn's go out of business
• Canevari cashes in on "fortuitous" stock in Corner bars
• Fraternities reinstated on Better Homes & Gardens tour
• Old Man Casteen's lawn furniture stays put
• Speakeasies
• Average weight drops as beer-bellies replaced by heroin addictions
• Ziggy's fails to go under
• Whole plan backfires, first years drink more

Spring Forward

Although Poodah knows that Poodah looks smashing in Gore-tex and fleece, Poodah nevertheless welcomes the newly arrived weather.

Birds and bees are having sex
Guys in khakis, swollen pecs
Religious zealots back in season
Ranting, raving, healing lesions
Dogs and frisbee golfers play
On the Lawn on sunny days
Leather-wearing goths beware
Spring is, spring is, in the air

Making the Grade

In case you missed the abundance of day-glo flyers advertising its arrival, Playboy came to Charlottesville searching for uninhibited vixens to shed all in order to show Hoo they really are. Poodah overheard this catchy ditty being sung by the photographers to the tune of "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover."

The answer's underneath your clothes
He said to me.
Stripping's easy if you
Do it erotically.
I'd like to capture you in
All of your glory.
There must be fifty ways
To be a Bunny.
Fifty ways to be a Bunny.

I know it's not your habit
To be nude.
We'll forge ahead,
Don't you worry 'bout being lewd.
Furthermore, Hugh always said
The camera hates a prude.
There must be fifty ways
To be a Bunny.
Fifty ways to be a Bunny.

Just lose extra weight, Kate.
Take off your clothes, Rose.
Be a little more goy, Joy,
And jiggle for me!
So break out the Nair, Blair,
You gotta have blonde hair!
Just wipe off your chin, Lynn,
Let's try it again.

Poodah is everywhere

A Lambeth computer lab conversation shattered Poodah's faith in a wholesome U.Va. institution:

Random 1: So why aren't you doing anything with APO this weekend? Are they a bunch of dorks?

Random 2: No -- it's not that ... it's just that they are all into hooking up with each other -- and I'm just not into that, y'know?

Random 1: So it's sort of like 'I do service, you do service hey! Let's service each other!'

What next, a weight limit on Dan Odio's motorbike joy rides?