Roman Holiday

Dear Dec,

I am writing this letter out of great concern for the future of our university. I think it is clear to everyone who has been reading the papers that we are facing major changes not only in the appearance of the University of Virginia, but also in the structure that underlies our everyday life. In short, we are on the brink of major ideological overhaul. I am concerned in particular with the fate of the greek system. It seems that the question pressing the mind of every administrator, professor, newspaper editor, columnist, or other able-minded student is this: what shall we do about those greeks?

Well, Dean Canevari, I have the answer. It is simple, it is straightforward, and it even has historical precedent. I believe that the existing greek system should be replaced by a roman system of similar size and influence. It happened in the second century B.C. I don't see any reason why it can't happen again.

Let me convince you why this must be done immediately. First of all, fraternities and sororities (as they would still be called) would be easier to identify under the new regime. The Roman alphabet is the same as ours, after all, with the exception of the U's that look like V's and that weird "æ" letter. Instead of "Rho Alpha Gamma," we would have, simply, "R-A-G." Instead of "Beta Alpha Delta," we'd have "B-A-D." Simple, elegant, easy to understand.

But the most important benefit of the roman system is that it befits the people involved. It's time to abandon the "greek" pretense. Let's be honest: would you call what happens on Rugby Road every weekend an "academy" or a "bacchanale"? And who, really, is the patron of these events: Alexander the Great or Caligula? I think the answer is clear. Moreover, I think the roman tendency is best reflected in our use of our amphitheater on Grounds. The ancient greeks used theirs for high drama; we use ours for Derby Days, a spectacle that more closely resembles the torturing of Christians by lions than any work by Sophocles.

Of course, it will be hard on fraternity members, but I think they're up to the challenge. First of all, they will have to conduct their chapter meetings in Latin instead of the customary ancient Greek. It will take some effort to make the switch, but I think a couple of extra Latin classes would do the trick, and the Classics Department would be happy to help out.

Overall, I think the roman system is just what the university needs. We are, after all, a war-like people -- doubters might do well to investigate the ritual known as on-Grounds recruiting. We are, as a group, well-organized, heterogenous, and extremely ambitious. Why not let our social institutions reflect this?

Let me conclude with a warning. If this change is implemented -- and I believe it will be -- then we are entering dangerous historical territory. True, the roman system will prosper. But the golden age will end, and some day, when we're least expecting it, the university will be sacked by the tribes of transient Visigoths. And we will plunge into a period of darkness, during which we will all be sent to Kinko's to live out our days as monks, copying manuscripts by candlelight.

May the gods bless our university.

Nick Taylor
CLAS IV