graphic by Tom Serlin

monday 31

Fail AP French twice in high school? Language placement tests for all! Get yourself out of one or two semesters of class or face prolonging your high school pain in German, Latin, Russian, French, or Spanish. 8 a.m.-2 p.m. Check orientation schedule for locations.

Looking to start an appropriate relationship with our Honorable President? One on one with Old Man Casteen himself, from 4-6 p.m. His house makes yours look so damn small.

Why College is Gonna Suck Ass: The Musical is playing at Old Cabell Hall Auditorium from 2:15-3:15 p.m. Formal title: "Grounds For Discussion."

In town tonight: at Michael's Bistro, Supertanker; at Baja Bean, open mic night; at Miller's, Mike Sokolowski.

tuesday 1

So you want an email account, do ya? Here's what ya gotta do. Go find yourself a beige box with one of those pull-toy plastic clinky things attached. Hell if I know what to do after that. ITC computer help, Bryan Hall 235, 9 a.m.-6p.m.

10 a.m.-noon. Academic Programs in the College. Students are strongly encouraged to attend two sessions.

• Humanities: "Mom, What's Postmodern?" Newcomb Hall Ballroom.
• Social Sciences: "Mom, Why Can't We Get Married?" Newcomb Hall Theater.
• Natural Sciences: "Mom, Are Imaginary Friends As Good As Real Ones?" Gilmer 190.
• Fine & Performing Arts: "Mom, Why Am I Gay?" Minor Auditorium.

In town tonight: at Coupe DeVille's, Chris Gelling; at Michael's Bistro, Local Jazz Night.

wednesday 2

Hey kiddies, it's the first day of class! Don't fall out of bed and hit the floor too hard when your sorry, hungover ass responds to the alarm, walking itself to Psych 101. Your stomach will toss and turn as you learn meaningful lessons about the dangers of compulsive behavior.

If you make left hand turns over and over again trying to compensate for your embarassingly moderate views, stop! You can never be a swingin' tree-huggin', femi-lovin', Bill Clinton defendin' liberal. Your only savior could be Mr. Cisewski, who is speaking about "New Dimensions for the New Millennium: the Old Left-Right Choices are Not Enough." 7:30 p.m. Minor Hall Auditorium, sponsored by the Students for Individual Liberty.

In town tonight: at Buddhist Biker Bar, Barling and Collins; at BW3, Jimmy O; at Coupe DeVille's, Benny Dodd; at Miller's, Mike Rosensky and Jeff Decker Quartet; at Moondance, Stephanie Nakesian and Hod O'Brien; at Outback Lodge, The Secret; at Trax, Gran Torino and Roosevelt's.

thursday 3

Hey first years, as if you could really vote for First Year Council representatives and House Council officers in your resident areas from 7:00-8:30 pm. God, you're practically forced to vote primarily based on the candidate's suave looks, hip style, and percentage of Van Gogh posters hanging in their dorm rooms. For the love of Jefferson, people, these positions are important! This is your end-of-the-year-picnic we're talking about! Please vote responsibly.

In town tonight: at Buddhist Biker Bar, Hogwaller Ramblers; at Escafe, Synthetic (house music); at Miller's, John D'earth; at The Nook, Joan Fenton and Friends; at Trax, June Rich and Rockwell Church.

friday 4

Math Placement Questions in Kerchof Hall, 9 a.m.-12 p.m. and 1-4 p.m. Now's your chance to ask those burning questions: "Which of the professors speak English?" "Do I need a protractor for multivariable equations?" and finally, "Do I need to know how to subtract my ass from a hole in the wall?"

In town tonight: at Biltmore Grill, One Drop; at BW3, Back-to-school DJ dance party; at Fridays After Five, The Founders; at Trax, The Urge and My Dog Lucy, WNRN benefit.

saturday 5

Sort yourself by toothpaste brand, physical handicaps, and B movie preferences. First Year Students' Get Acquainted Picnic. Your Residence Area. 6-7 p.m.

"Hi, my name is Mandy, and my favorite Dorito is Cool Ranch. No, no, wait, Salsa Verde!"
"Hi, my name is Jennifer K., and my most embarrassing moment was when I tucked my skirt into my pantyhose in front of the whole senior class. Including the boy I had a crush on!"
"Hi, my name is Jennifer L., and if I could be any cartoon character, I would be Jem, from Jem and the Holograms, because she is truly outrageous, and our names sound alike."
Individual Hall/Suite meetings. 7:30-9:00 p.m.

9:00 p.m.-Midnight. Social Activities. Nerds, clear your schedules.

In town tonight: at The Nook, Mike Elsewick's Gathering Trio; at Outback Lodge, Blue Miracle; at Trax, Emmet Swimming with Mary Prankster.

sunday 6

So it won't be The Million Man March, but McLeod can't seat that many people anyway. African-American Student Orientation, sponsored by The Office of African-American Affairs. McLeod Auditorium, 3-5 p.m.

In town tonight: at Escafe, Hogwaller Ramblers. Go Spencer Go!