When In ROLM UNLEASH THE POTENTIAL OF YOUR LITTLE FLASHING FRIEND by Kelty Garbee and John Crotteau photo by Brett Lider Either you are indifferent to its existence, or you need it like crack. You have cravings for the sense of acceptance that only it can provide. The blinking that is synchronized with each beat of your heart: the message light on your ROLM phone. The ROLM phones here at the university have spawned a silent fellowship of phone junkies. Those of you out there know who you are. You know the fabulous interworkings of conference call, call transfer, call forwarding, and re-dial. In the real world people pay a lot of money for all of these features on their phones, but here at Mr. Jefferson's university any student living in on-grounds housing has access to the magic of ROLM. Ah, but what is the magic of ROLM? It is the ability to send the same phone message to three people at four in the morning and not wake them up. It is the mischief of having all of your best friend's calls immediately forwarded to his ex-girlfriend (or Biology Professor). It is the comic relief of: "Message one from 'SATAN' was received at ..." Basically ROLM is the magic of training Cavaliers to be mindless corporate employees. Once you get your degree from the Comm. or the E-school, you're never gonna be able to get away from these phones.The more creative you get with the ROLM network in college, the longer you will last at your first job. This explains why the guy who can "Change his alternate greeting to the system greeting" is going to be "Employee of the Month" at GE. While you may not have aspirations of learning about or understanding the magic of ROLM, there is something that you must realize about the phone system here at the university. ROLM was here before you and will be here when you're gone, so you might as well learn to love it. For all you unfortunate souls who know nothing more than how to answer the phone when it rings, this user's guide is for you. REDIAL -- ROLM STYLE According to ROLM, this feature is actually called SAVE/REPEAT. Dial the phone number you would like to redial, press the SVRPT button, and hang up. Now, every time you want to call that number, all you have to do is press the SVRPT button. Since there is only one precious SVRPT button, you have to decide who has top calling priority: the phonemail lady, the ISIS man, or your lover. CALL TRANSFER So Dean Caulfield calls to see if you've signed up for a meal plan, and when you finally agree to the Plus 10 (because you can't go down, but you can always go up), Dean presses the transfer button and dials Dining Services. He then hangs up, leaving you to haggle with ARAMARK. Next time AT&T calls you about a great new phone plan, tell them you have ROLM and transfer them to Dean. CALL FORWARD Trying to get rid of that annoying stalker? Then Call Forward is the feature for you. It allows you to forward all of your calls to someone else's extension. All you have to do is press #9, dial the extension number that you want your calls sent to, and hang up. A little red light will blink incessantly on the base of your phone until you get rid of your stalker and deactivate call forward by pressing #9. CONFERENCE CALL Commonly referred to as party line by the Phone Company, conference call allows you to talk to 20 (or more) of your closest friends -- all at once. Start by calling friend number one. Now that you have him or her on the line, let the games begin. Press FLASH, dial your second friend, and press FLASH *4 to connect all three of you. Once the conference call giddiness subsides, keep calling people. Following the FLASH *4 procedure, just keep connecting everyone until you have a conference the size of the Geneva Convention. FLASH The name of this button seems to have rather vague and slightly perverse sexual connotations, but its uses are far from ambiguous. Not only is it the key component of many of the previous processes, but it also performs the very vital function of friend screening. If you are talking to someone and your message light starts blinking, you can FLASH to phone mail without hanging up on them. To do this, say "hold on," then press FLASH and dial your phonemail. If the message is from someone you like better, press CNCT, and say, "I gotta go." (Don't make up an excuse ... we have an honor code.) Now that you have started to get to know your ROLM phone, you must come to terms with the fact that ROLM has limitations as well as capabilities. This may be hard for some of you ROLM buffs, but it is an important part of getting to know your ROLM phone. The best example of one of ROLM's limitations is that in theory it seems like the ROLM phone would be a speakerphone. In practice it turns out to be a quasi-speakerphone; you can press SPKR, dial a number, listen to the phone ring, and hear someone answer. But (here's where the quasi part comes in) you can't actually talk to the other person because there is no microphone -- only a speaker. In order to fully understand the magic of ROLM, you must be willing to submit to ROLM for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til for off-grounds housing do you part. You must recite your PIN number each night, be able to give a dissertation on the difference between inside and outside phone calls, and understand the importance of a well-crafted phone message. Only then will you begin to understand the magic of ROLM. Hopefully, this guide has served as an introduction as well as an inspiration. Strive to be the one who can SVRPT William Faulkner's phone number, call him, flash over to the other line, talk to Edgar Allan Poe, conference the two together, and transfer them to Thomas Jefferson for another conference call. It's enough to give Alexander Graham Bell an orgasm.

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