Kate Zimmerman     I Did Bill Clinton (A Narrative) Bill and I met at an intern luncheon at the end of last summer. He touched my arm and said he liked my dress. I smiled and said I liked his policy on gays in the military. His old policy on gays in the military. He laughed and said I was smart for such a pretty girl. He stopped by the intern office later that week. The director said he had never been in that wing of the White House before. He asked me to type up a memo for him and drop it off at the Oval Office later. I did, and then we had oral sex. "If anybody asks," he said, "just say we have a friendly relationship." That's funny, 'cause we do -- a very friendly relationship, if you know what I mean. We didn't get a chance to see each other all that often, but we dated for about six months, even while I was at school. If he was in town he'd crash at my place for an hour or two sometimes. We had fun together. He'd talk about his crazy college days and I'd tell him about mine. We'd ask each other if we looked fat. It's not like we were exclusive or anything, I mean, I knew about Hillary. So the Lewinsky thing didn't come as a big surprise. When it started, Bill ordered us a pizza (and charged it to the House budget -- that was funny) and explained it all to me. You know, how she came onto him and the whole thing was just a big setup -- not Monica's fault, although I have my suspicions; she was just misguided. It's really because of that retard bitch Linda Tripp. Have you seen her suits, by the way? She looks like a fucking linebacker. No wonder she's so sexually frustrated. Anyway, he told me not to worry because nobody would care. I asked him about Hillary and he just laughed. "And the best part is," he told me once, "is that stuff like this -- you know, that nobody cares about -- overshadows the illegal activities that I've repeatedly engaged in over the years, like Whitewater or selling classified military satellite technology to Chinese Democratic Party contributors. If it weren't for the Republicans, I might have actually been caught for those things." Then he winked and said, "If I did those things." Of course, we were high at the time, so I really didn't pay much attention. Since then, though, I haven't had a chance to see him much. He's been pretty busy with depositions and bombings and all. He did call last week to see how things were holding up and to tell me about that job at the energy department. I wanted to work with the state department, but he said there was a test and this was the best he could do. Apparently, you don't even have to know very much about energy. During the call he asked me what I thought about the Sudan and Afghanistan stuff. I told him he was an idiot if he really thought bin Laden would be in Afghanistan this time of year, but whatever. He told me that he was trying not to be a pussy about things all the time like he usually is. I mean, he cried at the end of Titanic, not the part where Leo dies but the part where gross old woman squeals and throws the diamond into the sea. Really. And I didn't tell him this, but this has been pretty hard on me. That guy Ken Starr calls all the time. Like I'm gonna talk to him. Hello! Those calls are long distance! Does he not even care that he's costing the taxpayers money? People laugh about me, too. Tim Russert called me Lewinsky-lite. Tim Russert! Goddamn Koppel-lite, that's what he is. At least it's not Lewinsky-heavy, I guess. At least I'm not Lewinsky. Another woman on TV called me a "pathetic tool of the patriarchy." Well it's not like N.O.W. is rushing to my defense, not that I need any. But Bill was right, you know, nobody cares. He's more popular than ever.

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