Vox Populi

Dear Dec,

Where would Clinton be without Starr? McGwire without Sosa? Al Park without Canevari? There is something about being hunted like an animal that brings out the best in our leaders. People say we need more responsibility at this university, but I know the only changes will come from further expanding the cult of motherhood.

Like a friend of mine likes to say, "If there weren't always someone looking over our shoulder we would be wasting a lot of salt." I am proud to live in a community of must here at U.Va. where the Resident Coordinators must come up to your apartment to make sure no hyperbole entered your Room Condition Report findings. Where fraternities must roll over and beg so the administration can sanction their continued flaunting of underage drinking law violations. Where mom lives on in the silent underclass of cooks and maids to tweak cheeks and concerned administrators for the sporadic spanking.

The university's prestigious Daily paper has recently adopted an independent Ombudsman position to formalize the pats on the back and discipline we all so desperately need. How I wish I had someone to chastise my spelling mistakes and question what I write about! Taking on a den mother truly demonstrated the CD's commitment to becoming a finely oiled cog in the university's socialization combine.

I think it's high time your publication took similar measures to censure your unconventional viewpoints. The grand institutions of this university have labored long and hard to dominate the actions and thoughts of students. A free press that satirizes these beautiful new mothers cannot be abided. I must have order in my life; I must have khaki drunken sex and be sat in the corner for it -- stop confusing me!

Someday you will understand that this was all for your own good.

Sincerely,

Ivar Johnson