graphic by Tom Serlin

thursday 17

Waa-waa-chicka-chicka-waa-waa-plink -- NO! NO! It's all in the attack! Szforzando, then crescendo! Remember your Julliard Training! Now coda, goddammit! In the Chapel from 8 to 10 p.m., Andrew York, Classical Guitarist.

Yes, I will not be there with a goat, I will not be there on a boat, Liquor to the event I will not tote, Not even just a root beer float, Of course, of course, admission's free, For cultural 'mmersion think Sam I te. 7 to 9 p.m., Newcomb Hall Tent, Samite of Uganda. Funky Beats (rhymes not included).

What happens when you put a former peace negotiator and a Lebanese journalist together in the same room? Crazy Hijinks & Comic Mayhem! See what develops when Noel hides Hishnam's cell phone! 7 p.m., Minor Hall Auditorium.

In town tonight: at Dürty Nelly's, Keith Bradley and Pete Fekas; at Buddhist Biker Bar & Grill, Hogwaller Ramblers; at Trax, Gibb Droll, Carbon Leaf; at Outback Lodge, Drummie Zeb and the Razor Posse; at Miller's, John D'earth; at Escafé, Synthetic; at Tiny Mac, DJ Super Jock JJ.

friday 18

It's what Kant can't do and what flexes Russell's muscle. Thomas Ricketts of U.Pa. lectures on Analytic Philosophy. 3:30 p.m., Newcomb Hall Commonwealth Room.

Michele Bohana presents "Burma: A Political Update." Basically, it's a lot like the U.S., except without the neo-McCarthyism and sexual indiscretion. And they got tigers. 2 p.m., Newcomb Hall South Meeting Room.

Think of words that rhyme with Bangladesh. Think of words that rhyme with buffet table, baby. Think of a fund-raising dinner. 6:00 p.m., Newcomb Hall Conference Room, 168A. $5

In town tonight: at Fridays After Five, Mississippi Tom and the Mudcats; at Miller's, Afrikan Drum Fest; at the Outback Lodge, Buddy Miles; at Trax, Baaba Seth, The Secret; at Dürty Nelly's, He Said Monday; at the Biltmore Grill, One Drop; at Two Moons, Matthew Willner; at Max, Southern Company; at Tiny Mac, DJ Brennan Sneed.

saturday 19

The Baha'i Association presents "Rhythm Project: Body Movement" at 2 p.m., Newcomb Hall South Meeting Room. Who knows, it might change the molecular structure of your body, and wouldn't that be cool? Raise the Red Lantern: A Documentary on Polygamy in 1920s China, 3:30 p.m., Newcomb Hall Theatre. Baby, he left such a Deep Impact last night that I have another asshole now. It was so great. 6 and 9 p.m., Newcomb Hall Theatre.

In town tonight: at Trax, Edwin McCain, Jeffrey Gaines; at Miller's, Nickeltown; at Monterey's, The Houserockers; at Max, Southern Company; at Blackstone's, Linda Brandon; at The Nook, Mike Elswick.

sunday 20

So maybe the world doesn't end with football games. Wanna pass some classes? Be a Huckleberry Friend? Swindle millions and live a perfect life? It's Sunday, damn it! Time for your drunk ass to get out of bed and into the house of the Lord. Pray for a future before it all comes crashing down on ya.

What? Church not your thing? For those of you who don't wanna party with the Jesus: celebrate The Alterna-New Year with Rosh Hashanah services beginning today. Rabbi! There's an elephant in my sukkah!

Get off your fat, lazy ass and do something! Wake Up Week Interest Meeting, 6 p.m., Newcomb Hall Board Room.

In town tonight: at Dürty Nelly's, Gretchen Casler; at Michael's Bistro, East Coast Bluegrass Band; at 235, Tin Roof Dixie Land Trio; at Escafé, Hogwaller Ramblers.

monday 21

Maybe it's "Porn, First Years, and You." Maybe it's "Proactive Shifting Paradigms and the Apathetic Student Body." Whatever it is, it's from the Mosaic House, so it's gotta be good, eh? Lecture TBA, 7 p.m., Newcomb Hall Commonwealth Room.

In town tonight: at Miller's, Mike Sokolowski; at Monterey's, Thundering Heathens.

tuesday 22

Unscramble this, kids: IRMA VEP. No, it's not Rim Pave. No, it's not Marv Pie. No, it's not -- look, just go to Cinematheque at 8:00 p.m., okay?

In town tonight: at Dürty Nelly's, Steve and Tim Ryalls; at Trax, My Dog Lucy, Navel; at Michael's Bistro, Lotus Eaters; at Outback Lodge, Humble Sacrifice; at Monterey's, Penni Walker and Sacred Ground; at Coupe DeVille's, Chris Gelling.

wednesday 23

This little piggy went to Harris Teeter. This little piggy went to China. This little piggy bought a little red ... map of Iowa! Ha! Lecture by Ramon Myers on the Political Economy of China. 3 p.m., South Meeting Room Newcomb Hall.

In town tonight: at Trax, Reel Big Fish, Spring Heeled Jack, Frenzal Rhomb; at Michael's Bistro, K Rising; at Buddhist Biker Bar & Grill, BC; at Miller's, Mike Rosensky and Jeff Decker Quartet; at 235, Bob Benetta; at the Outback Lodge, The Secret.