For the Record TWO TAKES ON MCGWIRE MADNESS by Greg Montero If you've been following Major League Baseball and the "Chasing History" crap for the past two weeks or so, you may have heard all of the sportscasters, reporters, and writers drone on about what the person who catches the record-breaking home run ball would do with it. Everyone was wondering whether that person would sell the ball for a substantial profit (it was estimated to be worth at least a million bucks) or give it back to Mark McGwire because it's "the right thing to do." Entire cover stories were done about this moral dilemma. Average Moes off the street were interviewed on several occasions. Not once did I hear anyone say he would sell it. Everybody's a saint. Everybody would give it back to McGwire. "Yeah, right," I said to myself. I figured these guys were just hamming it up for national television. When McGwire himself was asked about the possibility that the 62nd home run ball would be caught and sold by a fan for at least a million, he expressed disappointment. When asked what he would give the fan for the ball, he replied that he would only give him/her an autographed bat or something. Nothing else. He didn't think it was right for the fan to ask him for something or to get money for it. HEY ASSHOLE! Are you kidding me? When given the choice of an autographed bat or a million dollars, it's a no-brainer. Now I know what all you hippies are saying -- it's quite selfish of me to keep the ball for financial gain. McGwire broke the record, he hit the ball, he deserves to have it. That may be so, but consider a few things. First of all, consider what the ball is worth to me and what it is worth to him. He has received all sorts of media attention, he has won new fans, he will likely boost his future salary, he will presumably receive all sorts of money from endorsements now that he's the biggest guy in sports, and he has achieved legendary status. That is what Mark McGwire is getting for breaking Roger Maris' home run record. So what if he doesn't get the ball back? At most, it's just icing for him. It's just gonna sit in his trophy case and collect dust anyway. Now consider what it's worth to me. I can think of a lot of things I could use a million bucks for. I can think of plenty of problems that a million bucks would solve for me. And he expects me to hand it over to him for a fucking baseball bat? Who's the selfish one here? Something else to consider is the absurd behavior of major league baseball players (actually, all professional athletes) in the recent past. Anybody remember 1994? My beloved Yankees were on the way to the A.L. pennant, having their best season in years. Donnie Baseball's last shot at a post-season. And these overpaid money-hungry meatheads go on strike. That's the big one that still bugs me, but this kind of shit goes on every year. Athletes are always holding out for more money, pissing off fans, and claiming that "hey, this is a business." Now this big asshole tells the world that he doesn't think it's right for a fan to sell the ball for a million dollars. That makes me sick to my stomach. Well, it turns out that the idiot who caught number 61 gave it back to McGwire. If I ever see that guy I'm gonna beat him like a rented mule. The guy who caught number 62 gave it back to him as well! However, that guy was a groundskeeper, and I assume that since he works for the organization he would not have been allowed to keep it if the organization wanted it back. Therefore the whole dilemma was avoided. I was so bummed. I wanted to see some guy catch and wave it in McGwire's face and laugh his way to the bank. Instead I got to see McGwire pick up his little porky kid and deliver a series of cheesy one-liners to the crowd. (By the way, wasn't that hysterical that he could only hold that kid up for about two seconds?) I suppose there are several of you out there that get the warm-fuzzies when this sort of stuff happens. I imagine you were watching that yutz give McGwire back his ball and let out a big "awwwwww." Well, wake up. Mark McGwire doesn't give a shit about you. by Tommy Goodman Dear Mr. McGwire, What you have done for the great country of America cannot be understated. You have lived the American dream; your hard work embodies what every American strives for in everyday life. As the country has been engaged in your great chase, I would like to thank you for deflecting the nation's interest from my home runs to yours. Unlike your superstar status, my Starr status has proven to be not-so-super. Unlike you, I was caught stealing home. Your hot shots have taken the attention off of mine, and I can't thank you enough. I am envious of your many home runs in such a short amount of time. I haven't scored nearly that much since I have been in the White House. So, once again, thank you and congratulations. I cordially invite you to Washington; I look forward to sharing home run stories. Feel free to bring some female St. Louis Cardinal interns. W. Clinton Washington, D.C. Dear Mr. McGwire, Your 62nd home run of 1998 was certainly an impressive feat. I write to congratulate you for your accomplishment, and to offer a deal concerning my product, with which you are certainly familiar: androstenedione. We thank you for using our product, and we want you to encourage others of its potential impact. It has come to our attention that you wish for your son to break your record. Thus, as part of the deal, batboy extraordinare Matthew McGwire will receive a lifetime supply of the protein supplement/ steroid, thereby accelerating his progress as a baseball slugger. Our charts have him breaking your record within the decade. While sterility and mental retardation will almost definitely result, he will make poppa proud. What's more important than that? The home run record must stay within the McGwire family. Once again congrats, and remember: You Gotta Go With Andro. Andrew Stan Dionne, President, Strength Enhancers Inc. Dear Mark, I cannot believe you did this to me. My baseball career basically sucked. Besides being named American League MVP in 1960 and 1961, I batted .260 and hit 275 home runs in my 12-year career. My only shot to be elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame was the illustrious 61 dingers I belted in '61. Now that my home runs have become obsolete, my place in the history of the game will slowly but surely disappear. I can't believe my family was there to support you. They don't know how difficult it is to watch this happen from above. I was enjoying my time here, but now I must toil for eternity in knowing that my major accomplishment on earth has been broken. I guess we'll have to settle the matter when and if you get up here. In the meantime, beware: I am bitter! R. Maris Heaven Dear Mr. Mark McGwire, Congratulations on your marvelous feat. As a reflection of the worldly impact of your home runs, I would be honored to have you attend the Conference of Nobel Laureates that will be held here in November. Joining such international figures as the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, you would make a remarkable addition to the weekend. Although you have not won a Nobel Prize, and you play a little boys' game of hitting a ball with a piece of wood, we believe your home-run proficiency has a peace-inspiring quality that has and will continue to unite people everywhere. The public's reaction and media attention that you have received illustrate the positive influence of your prowess. Thus, you will be a valuable addition to our guest list. J. Casteen Charlottesville, VA P.S.: The Dalai Lama also seeks your assistance in hitting a curve ball.

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