Havana Heaven

by Sherry Whiting

Warning: Cigars for oral use only! Use in any other orifice could be grounds for impeachment. Okay, trendsetters, put down that Starbucks coffee, turn down the Dave Matthews, and open your mind to a new way to satisfy that oral fixation. Come on, everybody's doing it; you've probably seen friends light up at parties and thought to yourself, "Lemmings! They're just following a trend." I know that's what I thought when I first saw college kids smoking cigars. Only pretentious politicos and old men smoke cigars, right? Not quite.

When I started writing this article about the popularity of cigars, I realized that I sounded like a proponent for the National Tobacco Grower's industry. My intentions are good: I want to lift cigars from the quagmire of sex and filth brought on by the Kenneth Starr report and then try to peer-pressure each and every one of you into starting an unhealthy habit. What's wrong with that?

Cigars are becoming quite the fashionable hobby for the chosen few willing to devote a little time and effort for a rewarding end. I'm not talking about the cancer sticks you buy at the 7-11 when the tobacco demon is calling your name; we've transcended the world of Swisher Sweets. I'm referring to the hand-made, hand-rolled, 5 to 150-bucks-a-pop stogies in all their phallic glory. Whether you like them short and packed or long and lean, cigars come in a variety of sizes and tastes for a variety of people.

After digging around a bit, I found that C-ville has its very own underground world of cigar smokers. We are an all-inclusive group open to anyone willing to learn, appreciate, and commit to the life of a cigar lover. People of any race, gender, age, or White House staff position can learn to enjoy the art of smoking given the right instruction.

I started smoking cigars for a very selfish reason -- I wanted to impress a guy. I too thought it was a disgusting habit only good for leaving a lingering stench and a bad taste. After smoking one, however, I was hooked. Cigars require more commitment than most men I know. What impressed me most is that real smokers need an extensive knowledge of the art. Sure, you can smoke every now and again in a bar, but to appreciate cigars you have to learn something of their origin, coloring, and packaging. To keep one for any period of time means giving it water, attention, and love. In essence, cigars are like dogs, except you smoke them.

If you drink alone, people call you an alcoholic; drink in a group and you're social. The same goes for cigars. By themselves they're lifeless brown tubes of dried plant leaves; with a group, however, they're at least 30 minutes of drinking, conversation, and taste stimulation. Having once been a cigarette smoker, I remember standing outside trying desperately to get my nicotine fix, looking dejected, after having been forced out of my own party. It has been my experience that cigarette smokers are often excluded from socializing, usually by force. Cigars, however, have the mystery and allure for younger generations that cigarettes had in the 1940s. Whether it be curiosity or mutual enjoyment, cigars are very conducive to conversation. You can think of cigars as the medium by which two lonely and desperate souls can be brought together. Okay, it's usually two lonely men who meet in a bar because their wives or girlfriends told them not to smoke in the house.

Before you run out and join the likes of George Burns, Groucho Marx, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, however, there are certain traditions in the lung-blackening, seductive world of cigars, I'd like to share a few pointers to assist the novice aficionado:

1. Never, never, never inhale. Although there's nothing funnier than watching someone get sick from inhaling cigar smoke, it's still mean and sadistic.

2. Never hold your cigar like a joint. Unless it's packed with something other than tobacco you won't be getting high from a cigar.

3. Never light your cigar with a gasoline lighter (e.g. Zippos or disposable lighters). Butane and non-sulfur matches are the way to go. If you want to inhale gas fumes, go to Exxon.

4. Never snub out your cigar when you're finished. Chances are it costs more than a cigarette, so treat it with respect; let it burn out gracefully.